me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
