I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
