Just fell off a train. Bad.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize