The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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