Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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