Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize