there's paper in my vomit.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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