why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
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