he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
