Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
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i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
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YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
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