Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
