we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
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My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
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i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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