this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
