The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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