You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
