there's paper in my vomit.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
why do cheetos always look like penises
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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