I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Randomize
