she looked like the bat from fern gully.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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