he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
