Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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