My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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