after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
