I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
