Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
