i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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