All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Randomize
