the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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