the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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