Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
