I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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