So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
