I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
