Farmville is her only friend.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
