my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
my poor anus
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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