I'm pants shitting drunk right now
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
