When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
