Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
