Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
