I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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