Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
