I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Randomize
