OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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