I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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