It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize