i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
