You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
