after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
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when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
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I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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