I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
ttyl tear gas
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
