billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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