It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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