Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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