I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
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I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
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You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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