i can't believe i had my finger in that
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
