So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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