Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
