I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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