yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
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I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.