Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
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she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
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sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.