I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
