Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
