I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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