The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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