I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
