I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
